center of the Bible
You know you are living in 2006 when...
Some good stuff to live by or remember
And did you know...
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Who is teaching
Only in America
Do you remember when
God and Government
Things to Ponder
God in the States Preambles
25 Reasons Why I Owe My Mother
The Center of the Bible
This is pretty strange or odd how it worked out this way. Even if you are not
religious you should read this.
What is the shortest chapter in the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 117
What is the longest chapter in the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 119
Which chapter is in the center of the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 118
Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118
Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118
Add these numbers up and you get 1188.
What is the center verse in the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 118:8
Does this verse say something significant about God's perfect will for our lives?
The next time someone says they would like to find God's perfect will for their lives and
that they want to be in the center of His will, just send them to the center of His Word!
Psalms 118:8 -- "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in
Now isn't that odd how this worked out (or was God in the center of it)?
You know you are
living in the year 2006 when:
1. Your reason
for not staying in touch with some family and friends is because they do not have e-mail.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price, or
less than you paid for it.
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30
years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
8. Using real money, instead of a credit or debit card, to make a purchase would be a
hassle and take planning.
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
15. You disconnect from the Internet and you get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled
the plug on a loved one.
16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to
18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to!
Some good stuff to live
by or remember...
"All success is based on
"Success: The Progressive Realization of YOUR worthwhile Dreams and Goals"
"To get more than you ever had, you must do something different than you have ever
"Professionals built the Titanic, Amateurs built the Ark"
"Small Minds Talk About People, Average Minds Talk About Events, Bright Minds Talk
"Respect Life. It is given only once"
"If pro & con are opposites, is congress the opposite of progress?"
"Not all lifestyles are morally equivalent"
"Don't let anyone steal your dreams"
"I will do today what others won't so tomorrow I can do what others can't"
"How can you soar with the eagles when you are surrounded by turkeys?"
"SMILE - It increases your FACE value"
"The People have voted. Now they will pay for their actions"
"Some people find problems with every solution; some find solutions to every
"Those who are flexible are seldom bent out of shape."
"In important matters, stand like a rock. For trivial issues, flow
with the stream"
did you know...
Coca-Cola was originally green.
The amount American Airlines saved in 1987
by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000.
City with the most Rolls Royce's per
capita: Hong Kong.
State with highest % of people who walk to
% of Africa that is wilderness: 28%. % of
America that is wilderness: 38%
A duck's quack does not echo and no one
Cost of raising a medium size dog to age
of 11: $6400.
# of people airborne over US at any given
% of Americans who have visited
people have more copper and zinc in their hair.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita
than any other country.
The sentence "The quick brown fox
jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet and was developed by
Western Union to test telex/twx communications.
In every episode of Seinfeld there was a
Average life span of a major league
baseball: 7 pitches.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned
television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but
did not renumber the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and
up, but no channel 1.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only
"mobile" National Monuments.
The only 15-letter word that can be
spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".
"Hang On Sloopy" is the official
rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee
The reason firehouses have circular
stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and learned how to walk up standard staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died on was named
the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
When opossums are playing 'possum, they
are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University
sinks over an inch every year because, when it was built, engineers failed to take into
account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
Each "king" in a deck of playing
cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Clubs - Alexander the
Great, Hearts -Charlemagne Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid
of unwanted people (without killing them) used to burn their houses down - hence the
expression "to get fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete
sentence in the English language. [Some say "I Do." Could be the longest
Hershey's Kisses are called that because
the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's
The longest recorded flight of a chicken
is thirteen seconds.
The Eisenhower "interstate
system" requires that one mile in every five must be straight. The straight sections
could be usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
David Prowse was the guy in the Darth
Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know his voice was
going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has
twice as many bathrooms, as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of
Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II,
moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower
than the lowest point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected
If you have three quarters, four dimes,
and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins
without being able to make change for a dollar.
The only two days of the year in which
there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the
day after the Major League All-star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live
to be 116 or older.
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies
are recently arrived immigrants.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more
energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles,
Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal
The cigarette lighter was invented before
And some things that man
would really like to know the answers to...
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Only in America
1. Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
2. Only in
America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink
3. Only in
America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front
4. Only in
America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke
5. Only in
America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters
6. Only in
America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
useless junk in the garage
7. Only in
America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we
won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place
8. Only in
America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
9. Only in
America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poll' in Latin
meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures
10. Only in
America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't
put on mascara with their mouth closed?
you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
"abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that
doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it
that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon
juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man
who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time
of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there
mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is
new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah
swat those two mosquitoes?
they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole
plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep
shrink when it rains?
Why are they
called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so
safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If a parsley
farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly
without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a
If the funeral
procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?
If a stealth
bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If cops arrest a
mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a book about
failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do
when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows
have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible
to be totally partial?
word for thesaurus?
ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist
season, why can't we shoot them?
Why is there an
expiration date on sour cream?
Why do kamikaze
pilots wear helmets?
How do you know
when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that
cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a
smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do they call
it a TV set when you get only one?
cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a
mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the
best thing before sliced bread?
What do chickens
think we taste like?
What do people
in China call their good plates?
What do you call
a male ladybug?
What hair color
do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
Why are there
Interstates in Hawaii?
cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
If they squeeze
olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs,
does milk come out of her nose?
If you are
driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what
happens to the other penny?
Being sent to
the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV
was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas
When there were
two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds and PF Flyers), and the only time you wore
them at school was for "gym"
When it took
five minutes for the TV to warm up
everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there
owned a purebred dog
When a quarter
was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus
When you'd reach
into a muddy gutter for a penny
neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then
When your mom
wore nylons that came in two pieces
When all of your
male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday
When you got
your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking ... for free, every
time and you didn't pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!
detergent had free glasses, dishes, or towels hidden inside the box
When any parent
could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even
the kid, thought a thing of it
When it was
considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your
threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did!
When being sent
to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving
student at home?
As you walk up
the steps to the Capitol Building which houses the Supreme Court you can see near the top
of the building a row of the world's law givers and each one is facing one in the middle
who is facing forward with a full frontal view: it is Moses and the Ten Commandments!
As you enter the
Supreme Court courtroom, the two huge oak doors have the Ten Commandments engraved on each
lower portion of each door.
As you sit
inside the courtroom, you can see the wall right above where the Supreme Court judges sit
a display of the Ten Commandments!
There are Bible
verses etched in stone all over the Federal Buildings and Monuments in Washington, D.C.
the fourth president, known as "The Father of Our Constitution" made the
following statement "We have staked the whole of all our political institutions upon
the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to
govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to the Ten
Commandments of God."
that patriot and Founding Father of our country said, "It cannot be emphasized too
strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by
Christians, not on religions but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ."
Every session of
Congress begins with a prayer by a paid preacher, whose salary has been paid by the
taxpayer since 1777.
Fifty-two of the
55 founders of the Constitution were members of the established orthodox churches in the
worried about that the Courts would overstep their authority and instead of interpreting
the law would begin making law, an oligarchy, the rule of few over many.
The very first
Supreme Court Justice, John Jay, said, "Americans should select and prefer Christians
as their rulers."
How then, have
we gotten to the point that everything we have done for 200 years in this country is now
suddenly wrong and unconstitutional?
Things To Ponder....
1) When I die, I
want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all
the passengers in his car." Author Unknown
2) Advice for
the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the
aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a
house" Rod Stewart
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks'
notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp." Bob Ettinger
5) "My Mom
said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the
boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." Paula Poundstone
does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I
realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner" Lynda Montgomery
7) "If life
were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez
is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I
repeat myself." Mark Twain
bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find
Afghanistan." A. Whitney Brown
complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that
I can be myself."
13) Do you know
why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
Unknown, presumed deceased
FROM THE PREAMBLES OF ALL 50 UNITED STATES:
1901, Preamble. "We the people of the State of Alabama, invoking the favor and
guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the following Constitution ...
Alaska 1956, Preamble.
"We, the people of Alaska, grateful to God and To those who founded our nation
and pioneered this great land . "
Arizona 1911, Preamble.
"We, the people of the State of Arizona, grateful to Almighty God for our liberties,
do ordain this Constitution... "
Arkansas 1874, Preamble.
"We, the people of the State of Arkansas, Grateful to Almighty God for the
privilege of choosing our own form of government... "
California 1879, Preamble.
"We, the People of the State of California, grateful to Almighty God for our
Colorado 1876, Preamble.
"We, the people of Colorado, with profound Reverence for the Supreme Ruler of
Universe .. "
Connecticut 1818, Preamble.
"The People of Connecticut, acknowledging With gratitude the good Providence of God
in permitting them to enjoy ... "
Delaware 1897, Preamble.
"Through Divine Goodness all men have, by nature, the rights of worshipping and
serving their Creator according to the dictates of their consciences .. "
Florida 1885, Preamble.
"We, the people of the State of Florida, grateful to Almighty God for our
constitutional liberty ... establish this Constitution..."
Georgia 1777, Preamble.
"We, the people of Georgia, relying upon Protection and guidance of Almighty
God, do ordain and establish this Constitution... "
Hawaii 1959, Preamble.
"We, the people of Hawaii, Grateful for Divine Guidance .. establish this
Idaho 1889, Preamble.
"We, the people of the State of Idaho, grateful To Almighty God for our freedom, to
secure its blessings .. "
Illinois 1870, Preamble.
"We, the people of the State of Illinois, Grateful to Almighty God for the civil,
political and religious liberty which He hath So long permitted us to enjoy and
looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors... "
Indiana 1851, Preamble.
"We, the People of the State of Indiana, grateful to Almighty God for the free
exercise of the right to chose our form of government . .."
Iowa 1857, Preamble.
"We, the People of the State of Iowa, grateful to The Supreme Being for the
blessings hitherto enjoyed, and feeling our Dependence on Him for a continuation of
these blessings ... establish this Constitution "
Kansas 1859, Preamble.
"We, the people of Kansas, grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious
privileges ... establish this Constitution. "
1891, Preamble. "We, the people of the Commonwealth of Kentucky are grateful to
Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties... "
1921, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of Louisiana, Grateful to Almighty God
for the civil, political and religious liberties we enjoy...."
Maine 1820, Preamble.
"We the People of Maine .. acknowledging with Grateful hearts the goodness of
the Sovereign Ruler of the Universe in affording us an opportunity ... and imploring His
aid and direction . ."
Maryland 1776, Preamble.
"We, the people of the state of Maryland, Grateful to Almighty God for our
civil and religious liberty... "
Massachusetts 1780, Preamble.
"We...the people of Massachusetts, acknowledging with grateful hearts, the goodness
of the Great Legislator of The Universe... in the course of His Providence, an
opportunity ..and Devoutly imploring His direction ... "
1908, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of Michigan,Grateful to Almighty God for
the blessings of freedom ... establish this Constitution "
Minnesota, 1857, Preamble.
"We, the people of the State of Minnesota, grateful to God for our civil and
religious liberty, and desiring to perpetuate its blessings . "
Mississippi 1890, Preamble.
"We, the people of Mississippi in Convention assembled, grateful to Almighty God, and
invoking His blessing on our work....."
1845, Preamble "We, the people of Missouri, with profound Reverence for the
Supreme Ruler of the Universe, and grateful for His goodness..establish this
1889, Preamble. "We, the people of Montana, grateful to Almighty God for the
blessings of liberty establish this Constitution .. "
Nebraska 1875, Preamble.
"We, the people, grateful to Almighty God for Our freedom .. establish this
Constitution .. ."
1864, Preamble. "We the people of the State of Nevada, grateful to Almighty God
for our freedom ... establish this Constitution . ."
New Hampshire 1792, Part I.
Art. I. Sec. V. "Every individual has a Natural and unalienable right to
worship God according to the dictates of his own conscience . "
New Jersey 1844, Preamble.
"We, the people of the State of New Jersey, grateful to Almighty God for civil and
religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a
blessing on our endeavors....."
Mexico 1911, Preamble. "We, the People of New Mexico, grateful to Almighty God
for the blessings of liberty .. "
New York 1846, Preamble.
"We, the people of the State of New York, Grateful to Almighty God for our
freedom, in order to secure its blessings . "
North Carolina 1868,
Preamble. "We the people of the State of North Carolina, grateful to Almighty God,
the Sovereign Ruler of Nations, for our civil, political, and religious liberties, and
acknowledging our dependence upon Him for the continuance of those . ."
North Dakota 1889, Preamble.
"We, the people of North Dakota, grateful To Almighty God for the blessings of
civil and religious liberty, do ordain... "
Ohio 1852, Preamble. "We
the people of the state of Ohio, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its
blessings and to promote Our common .. "
Oklahoma 1907, Preamble.
"Invoking the guidance of Almighty God, in order to secure and perpetuate the
blessings of liberty ..... establish this... "
Oregon 1857, Bill of Rights,
Article I. Section 2. "All men shall be Secure in the Natural right, to worship
Almighty God according to the dictates of their consciences . "
Pennsylvania 1776, Preamble.
"We, the people of Pennsylvania, grateful To Almighty God for the blessings of
civil and religious liberty, and Humbly invoking His guidance . ..."
Rhode Island 1842, Preamble.
"We the People of the State of Rhode Island grateful to Almighty God for the
civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to
Him for a blessing ."
South Carolina, 1778,
Preamble. "We, the people of the State of South Carolina . grateful to God for our
liberties, do ordain and establish This Constitution .. "
South Dakota 1889, Preamble.
"We, the people of South Dakota, grateful To Almighty God for our civil and
religious liberties ... establish this ...."
Tennessee 1796, Art. XI.III.
"That all men have a natural and Indefeasible right to worship Almighty God according
to the dictates of their conscience... "
Texas 1845, Preamble.
"We the People of the Republic of Texas, acknowledging, with gratitude, the grace and
beneficence of God .. "
Utah 1896, Preamble.
"Grateful to Almighty God for life and liberty, We establish this Constitution
Vermont 1777, Preamble.
"Whereas all government ought to ... enable The individuals who compose it to
enjoy their natural rights, and other blessings which the Author of Existence has
bestowed on man ..... "
Virginia 1776, Bill of
Rights, XVI ... "Religion, or the Duty which we Owe our Creator ... can be
directed only by Reason .. and that it is the mutual duty of all to practice
Christian Forbearance, Love and Charity towards each other"
1889, Preamble. "We the People of the State of Washington,grateful to the
Supreme Ruler of the Universe for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution .. "
West Virginia 1872, Preamble.
"Since through Divine Providence we enjoy the blessings of civil, political and
religious liberty, we, the people of West Virginia .. reaffirm our faith in and constant
reliance upon God .. "
Wisconsin 1848, Preamble.
"We, the people of Wisconsin, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, domestic
tranquility ... "
1890, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of Wyoming,grateful to God for our
civil, political, and religious liberties ... establish This Constitution ..
reviewing acknowledgments of God from all 50 state constitutions, one is faced with the
prospect that maybe, just maybe, the out-of-control liberal federal courts are wrong!
long are we going to put up with the deliberate destruction of the foundations of
our great nation before we take a stand and put a stop to it. Pass this along to all
your Email friends and your governmental representaives and let's begin to make
adifference. Let your local, state, and federal officials know where you stand and
let them know that you will be watching them to see where they stand.
people who will not be governed by God will be ruled by tyrants."- William Penn
1. Two antennas
meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
2. Two hydrogen
atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says,
"Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper
cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
4. A sandwich
walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic
man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks
into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for
7. Two cannibals
are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I
can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom
Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows
standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's
true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible
man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo:
The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes
his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can
do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So
he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
"I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it
must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my
younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14. I went to
buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to
the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the
top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
16. A man woke
up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel
my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a
seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos
sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
19. What do you
call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. Two termites
walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the BAR TENDER here?"
25 Reasons I Owe
1) My mother taught me to apprieciate a good
job done (If your going to kill each other go outside, I just cleaned up)
2) My mother taught me Religion (You better pray that comes out of the carpet)
3) My mother taught me about time travel (If you don't straighten up, I'lll knock you into
4 ) My mother taught me logic (Because I said so, that's why)
5 ) My mother taught me more logic ( If you fall out of that swing and break your neck you
can't come to the store with me)
6) My mother taught me foresight (Make sure you wear clean underwear in case your in an
7) My mother taught me irony (Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about)
8) My mother taught me about the science of osmosis (Shut your mouth and eat your supper)
9) My mother taught me about the weather (That room of yours looks like a tornado went
10) My mother taught me about contortionism (Will you look at that dirt on the back of
11) My mother taught me about stamina (You will sit there until all that spinach is gone)
12) My mother taught me about hypocrisy (If I've told you once, I've told you a million
times, don't exaggerate)
13) My mother taught me about the circle of life (I brought you into this world and I can
take you out)
14) My mother taught me about behavior modification (Stop acting like your father)
15) My mother taught me about envy (There are millions of children in the world who don't
have great parents like you do)
16) My mother taught me about anticipation (Just wait until we get home)
17) My mother taught me medical science (If you don't stop crossing your eyes their going
to freeze that way)
18) My mother taught me about receiving (Your going to get it when we get home)
19) My mother taught me about Esp (Put your sweater on, don't you think I know when your
20) My mother taught me about humor (When that lawnmower cuts off your toes don't come
crying to me)
21) My mother taught me genetics (You're just like your father)
22) My mother taught me how to grow up (If you don't eat your vegetables you'll never grow
23) My mother taught me about my roots (Shut the door behind you. Do you think you were
born in a barn?)
24) My mother taught me about wisdom (When you get to be my age you'll understand)
25) And my favorite: My mother taught me about justice (One day you'll have kids and I
hope they're just like you)
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