Other Stuff

The center of the Bible
You know you are living in 2006 when...
Some good stuff to live by or remember
And did you know...
Answers to...
Upgrade from GirlFriend 1.0
Who is teaching who?
Only in America
Ever Wonder...
Do you remember when
God and Government
Things to Ponder
God in the State’s Preambles
25 Reasons Why I Owe My Mother

The Center of the Bible

This is pretty strange or odd how it worked out this way. Even if you are not religious you should read this.

What is the shortest chapter in the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 117

What is the longest chapter in the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 119

Which chapter is in the center of the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 118

Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118

Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118

Add these numbers up and you get 1188.

What is the center verse in the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 118:8

Does this verse say something significant about God's perfect will for our lives?

The next time someone says they would like to find God's perfect will for their lives and that they want to be in the center of His will, just send them to the center of His Word!

Psalms 118:8 -- "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."

Now isn't that odd how this worked out (or was God in the center of it)?

You know you are living in the year 2006 when:

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with some family and friends is because they do not have e-mail.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price, or less than you paid for it.

7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

8. Using real money, instead of a credit or debit card, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

15. You disconnect from the Internet and you get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to!

Some good stuff to live by or remember...   

"All success is based on failure"
"Success: The Progressive Realization of YOUR worthwhile Dreams and Goals"
"To get more than you ever had, you must do something different than you have ever done"
"Professionals built the Titanic, Amateurs built the Ark"
"Small Minds Talk About People, Average Minds Talk About Events, Bright Minds Talk About Ideas"
"Respect Life. It is given only once"
"If pro & con are opposites, is congress the opposite of progress?"
"Not all lifestyles are morally equivalent"
"Don't let anyone steal your dreams"
"I will do today what others won't so tomorrow I can do what others can't"
"How can you soar with the eagles when you are surrounded by turkeys?"
"SMILE - It increases your FACE value"
"The People have voted. Now they will pay for their actions"
"Some people find problems with every solution; some find solutions to every problem"
"Those who are flexible are seldom bent out of shape."
"In important matters, stand like a rock. For trivial issues, flow with the stream"

And did you know...

Coca-Cola was originally green.

The amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000.

City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong.

State with highest % of people who walk to work: Alaska.

% of Africa that is wilderness: 28%. % of America that is wilderness: 38%

A duck's quack does not echo and no one knows why.

Cost of raising a medium size dog to age of 11: $6400.

# of people airborne over US at any given time: 61,000.

% of Americans who have visited Disneyland/World: 70%.

Intelligent people have more copper and zinc in their hair.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other country.

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet and was developed by Western Union to test telex/twx communications.

In every episode of Seinfeld there was a Superman somewhere.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not renumber the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only "mobile" National Monuments.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".

"Hang On Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.

Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and learned how to walk up standard staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died on was named the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because, when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Each "king" in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts -Charlemagne Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of unwanted people (without killing them) used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. [Some say "I Do." Could be the longest sentence.]

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The Eisenhower "interstate system" requires that one mile in every five must be straight. The straight sections could be usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know his voice was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms, as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.

Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

And some things that man would really like to know the answers to...

Why do bees always go after my wife?    bee.gif (11311 bytes)

Why do we DRIVE on PARKways and PARK on DRIVEways?    
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Why do noses run and feet smell?     johnson.gif (16846 bytes)

Why is there no egg in eggplant?        egg.gif (6896 bytes)

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Only in America

1. Only in America can a pizza get  to your house faster than an  ambulance

2. Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink

3. Only in America do  drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store  to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes  at the front

4. Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet  coke

5. Only in America do banks  leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the  counters

6. Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our  useless junk in the garage

7. Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the  first place

8. Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

9. Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poll' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking  creatures

10. Only in America do they  have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering


Why  the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our  skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why  don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why  is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they  sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You  know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called  apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they  call the airport the terminal?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Remember When...

Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV

When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas

When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds and PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school was for "gym"

When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up

When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there

When nobody owned a purebred dog

When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge  bonus

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny

When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then

When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces

When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking ... for free, every time and you didn't pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!

When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes, or towels hidden inside the box

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents

When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did!

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home?

God and Government

As you walk up the steps to the Capitol Building which houses the Supreme Court you can see near the top of the building a row of the world's law givers and each one is facing one in the middle who is facing forward with a full frontal view: it is Moses and the Ten Commandments!

As you enter the Supreme Court courtroom, the two huge oak doors have the Ten Commandments engraved on each lower portion of each door.

As you sit inside the courtroom, you can see the wall right above where the Supreme Court judges sit a display of the Ten Commandments!

There are Bible verses etched in stone all over the Federal Buildings and Monuments in Washington, D.C.

James Madison, the fourth president, known as "The Father of Our Constitution" made the following statement "We have staked the whole of all our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to the Ten Commandments of God."

Patrick Henry, that patriot and Founding Father of our country said, "It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not on religions but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

Every session of Congress begins with a prayer by a paid preacher, whose salary has been paid by the taxpayer since 1777.

Fifty-two of the 55 founders of the Constitution were members of the established orthodox churches in the colonies.

Thomas Jefferson worried about that the Courts would overstep their authority and instead of interpreting the law would begin making law, an oligarchy, the rule of few over many.

The very first Supreme Court Justice, John Jay, said, "Americans should select and prefer Christians as their rulers."

How then, have we gotten to the point that everything we have done for 200 years in this country is now suddenly wrong and unconstitutional?

Things To Ponder....

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" Author Unknown

3) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house"  Rod Stewart

4) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger

5) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." Paula Poundstone

6) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner"  Lynda Montgomery

7) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."  Johnny Carson

8) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez

9) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

10) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself."  Mark Twain

11) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." A. Whitney Brown

12) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

13) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.  Unknown, presumed deceased


Alabama 1901, Preamble. "We  the people of the State of Alabama, invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the following Constitution ...  "

Alaska 1956, Preamble. "We, the people of Alaska, grateful to God and To  those who founded our nation and pioneered this great land . "

Arizona 1911, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of Arizona, grateful to Almighty God for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution...  "

Arkansas 1874, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of Arkansas, Grateful to  Almighty God for the privilege of choosing our own form of government...  "

California 1879, Preamble. "We, the People of the State of California, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom...."

Colorado 1876, Preamble. "We, the people of Colorado, with profound Reverence for the Supreme Ruler of Universe .. "

Connecticut 1818, Preamble. "The People of Connecticut, acknowledging With gratitude the good Providence of God in permitting them to enjoy ... "

Delaware 1897, Preamble. "Through Divine Goodness all men have, by nature, the  rights of worshipping and serving their Creator according to the dictates of their consciences .. "

Florida 1885, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of Florida, grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty ... establish this  Constitution..."

Georgia 1777, Preamble. "We, the people of Georgia, relying upon Protection  and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish this Constitution...  "

Hawaii 1959, Preamble. "We, the people of Hawaii, Grateful for Divine  Guidance .. establish this Constitution "

Idaho 1889, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of Idaho, grateful To Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings .. "

Illinois 1870, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of Illinois, Grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberty which He hath So  long permitted us to enjoy and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors...  "

Indiana 1851, Preamble. "We, the People of the State of Indiana, grateful to Almighty God for the free exercise of the right to chose our form of government . .."

Iowa 1857, Preamble. "We, the People of the State of Iowa, grateful to The  Supreme Being for the blessings hitherto enjoyed, and feeling our Dependence on  Him for a continuation of these blessings ... establish this Constitution  "

Kansas 1859, Preamble. "We, the people of Kansas, grateful to Almighty God  for our civil and religious privileges ... establish this Constitution.  "

Kentucky 1891, Preamble. "We, the people of the Commonwealth of Kentucky are  grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties...  "

Louisiana 1921, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of Louisiana, Grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties we enjoy...."

Maine 1820, Preamble. "We the People of Maine .. acknowledging with  Grateful hearts the goodness of the Sovereign Ruler of the Universe in affording us an opportunity ... and imploring His aid and direction .  ."

Maryland 1776, Preamble. "We, the people of the state of Maryland, Grateful to  Almighty God for our civil and religious liberty... "

Massachusetts 1780, Preamble. "We...the people of Massachusetts, acknowledging with grateful hearts, the goodness of the Great Legislator of The Universe... in the  course of His Providence, an opportunity ..and Devoutly imploring His direction  ... "

Michigan 1908, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of Michigan,Grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of freedom ... establish this Constitution "

Minnesota, 1857, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of Minnesota, grateful  to God for our civil and religious liberty, and desiring to perpetuate its  blessings . "

Mississippi 1890, Preamble. "We, the people of Mississippi in Convention assembled, grateful to Almighty God, and invoking His blessing on our work....."

Missouri 1845, Preamble "We,  the people of Missouri, with profound Reverence for the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, and grateful for His goodness..establish this Constitution..."

Montana 1889, Preamble. "We, the people of Montana, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty establish this  Constitution .. "

Nebraska 1875, Preamble. "We, the people, grateful to Almighty God for Our  freedom .. establish this Constitution .. ."

Nevada 1864, Preamble. "We the  people of the State of Nevada, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom ... establish this Constitution .  ."

New Hampshire 1792, Part I. Art. I. Sec. V. "Every individual has a Natural and  unalienable right to worship God according to the dictates of his own conscience . "

New Jersey 1844, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of New Jersey, grateful to Almighty God for civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors....."

New  Mexico 1911, Preamble.  "We, the People of New Mexico, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty .. "

New York 1846, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of New York, Grateful to  Almighty God for our freedom, in order to secure its blessings . "

North Carolina 1868, Preamble. "We the people of the State of North Carolina, grateful to Almighty God, the Sovereign Ruler of Nations, for our civil, political, and religious liberties, and acknowledging our dependence upon Him  for the continuance of those . ."

North Dakota 1889, Preamble. "We, the people of North Dakota, grateful To Almighty  God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, do ordain... "

Ohio 1852, Preamble. "We the people of the state of Ohio, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings and to promote Our common .. "

Oklahoma 1907, Preamble. "Invoking the guidance of Almighty God, in order to  secure and perpetuate the blessings of liberty ..... establish this...  "

Oregon 1857, Bill of Rights, Article I. Section 2. "All men shall be Secure in the Natural right, to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their  consciences . "

Pennsylvania 1776, Preamble. "We, the people of Pennsylvania, grateful To Almighty  God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, and Humbly invoking His  guidance . ..."

Rhode Island 1842, Preamble. "We the People of the State of Rhode Island grateful  to Almighty God for the civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing ."

South Carolina, 1778, Preamble. "We, the people of the State of South Carolina . grateful to God for our liberties, do ordain and establish This Constitution .. "

South Dakota 1889, Preamble. "We, the people of South Dakota, grateful To Almighty  God for our civil and religious liberties ... establish this ...."

Tennessee 1796, Art. XI.III. "That all men have a natural and Indefeasible right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their conscience...  "

Texas 1845, Preamble. "We the People of the Republic of Texas, acknowledging, with gratitude, the grace and beneficence of God .. "

Utah 1896, Preamble. "Grateful to Almighty God for life and liberty, We  establish this Constitution .. "

Vermont 1777, Preamble. "Whereas all government ought to ... enable The  individuals who compose it to enjoy their natural rights, and other blessings  which the Author of Existence has bestowed on man ..... "

Virginia 1776, Bill of Rights, XVI ... "Religion, or the Duty which we Owe our  Creator ... can be directed only by Reason .. and that it is the mutual duty of  all to practice Christian Forbearance, Love and Charity towards each other"

Washington 1889, Preamble. "We  the People of the State of Washington,grateful to the Supreme Ruler of the Universe for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution .. "

West Virginia 1872, Preamble. "Since through Divine Providence we enjoy the  blessings of civil, political and religious liberty, we, the people of West Virginia .. reaffirm our faith in and constant reliance upon God ..  "

Wisconsin 1848, Preamble. "We, the people of Wisconsin, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, domestic tranquility ... "

Wyoming 1890, Preamble. "We,  the people of the State of Wyoming,grateful to God for our civil, political, and  religious liberties ... establish This Constitution ..  "

After reviewing acknowledgments of God from all 50 state constitutions, one is faced with the prospect that maybe, just maybe, the out-of-control liberal federal courts are wrong!

How long are we going to put up with the deliberate destruction  of the foundations of our great nation before we take a stand and put a stop to  it. Pass this along to all your Email friends and your governmental  representaives and let's begin to make adifference. Let your local, state, and  federal officials know where you stand and let them know that you will be watching them to see where they stand.

"Those people who will not be governed by  God will be ruled by tyrants."- William Penn


1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the BAR TENDER here?"

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother


1) My mother taught me to apprieciate a good job done (If your going to kill each other go outside, I just cleaned up)

2) My mother taught me Religion (You better pray that comes out of the carpet)

3) My mother taught me about time travel (If you don't straighten up, I'lll knock you into next week)

4 ) My mother taught me logic (Because I said so, that's why)

5 ) My mother taught me more logic ( If you fall out of that swing and break your neck you can't come to the store with me)

6) My mother taught me foresight (Make sure you wear clean underwear in case your in an accident.)

7) My mother taught me irony (Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about)

8) My mother taught me about the science of osmosis (Shut your mouth and eat your supper)

9) My mother taught me about the weather (That room of yours looks like a tornado went through it)

10) My mother taught me about contortionism (Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck)

11) My mother taught me about stamina (You will sit there until all that spinach is gone)

12) My mother taught me about hypocrisy (If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate)

13) My mother taught me about the circle of life (I brought you into this world and I can take you out)

14) My mother taught me about behavior modification (Stop acting like your father)

15) My mother taught me about envy (There are millions of children in the world who don't have great parents like you do)

16) My mother taught me about anticipation (Just wait until we get home)

17) My mother taught me medical science (If you don't stop crossing your eyes their going to freeze that way)

18) My mother taught me about receiving (Your going to get it when we get home)

19) My mother taught me about Esp (Put your sweater on, don't you think I know when your cold)

20) My mother taught me about humor (When that lawnmower cuts off your toes don't come crying to me)

21) My mother taught me genetics (You're just like your father)

22) My mother taught me how to grow up (If you don't eat your vegetables you'll never grow up)

23) My mother taught me about my roots (Shut the door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?)

24) My mother taught me about wisdom (When you get to be my age you'll understand)

25) And my favorite: My mother taught me about justice (One day you'll have kids and I hope they're just like you)

MAILANIM.GIF (3496 bytes)


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